Valentines Day

I’m not a huge fan of Valentines Day. Never have been. I really don’t think that you need a day to let your loved one know how much you love them…..But on that note I gotta say I was spoiled.

On Saturday Justin shows up with a beautiful vase and some gorgeous flowers. With that he had picked out just the sweetest card.

Full shot

Close up

Sarah smelling the flowers…she has a thing about smelling flowers. LOL

Saturday night, Liz showed up with Kelby and Chelsae with some flowers they had gotten me. They wrote the sweetest note on the card too.

Full on shot

Close up of the card…It’s so sweet. It says “Jamie,We will love you until the last flower dies.” They stuck a fake flower in the middle of it so it will never die. :)

Close up of flower

Sarah smelling the flowers.

Needless to say I was spoiled! Both Emma and Sophie made me little cards from the ones they got for the classmates.  It was just so sweet. 

 

I am very blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Today is also my parents 22nd anniversary. Seems like just yesterday they were making the plans and getting ready for their big day. 

I leave all of you with this….Take joy in the little things, because it’s the little things that make your life more enjoyable.

 

 

 

 

 

Memories…..

Yesterday was a strange day emotionally.

It marked the 3 yr anniversary of losing my baby. I did a good job of hiding my grief from my family and friends.  I Tried to stay busy and not dwell on my loss.

Though through out the day I kept flashing back to hearing the words that my baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. Flashing back to the ultrasound we had just 6 weeks before and seeing his little heart beat.

Remembering laboring at home..my water broke then all hell  broke loose and I started hemorrhaging.On the ambulance ride,  I remember my blood pressure dropped so low they couldn’t detect it with the pressure cuff….I was feeling so faint and weak and knowing I needed to just hold on.

Being rushed into a room at St. Lukes and having a doctor already there and waiting for me.  I knew it was serious then. After that I remember nothing as then shot me up with something that blocked out my memory.

When I came too again, there was no more baby and I felt so alone, so numb……

All those memories just come in flashes and I feel the same intense grief that I felt before.

Though I was only in my second trimester to me it’s still my child.  The same as if I carried him full term.

I have a little box with a few momentous, I pull it out and look at it from time to time. I know that he didn’t make it because it wasn’t meant to be.  I also know I wouldn’t have Sarah if I hadn’t lost him.  But I still grieve. This spring I’m going to plant something in memory of him…I should have done this a long time ago but I chose to block it out instead of dealing with the grief.

It’s what I do best. If something is to painful to deal with I block it out and then it comes crashing down on me at a later date.

Today I’m feeling really down and out…the memories are stronger today then yesterday. I just want to lay in bed and have a good cry but I haven't let myself do that.   Maybe tonight, when the house is all settled and I can get some alone time. I’ll be able to light a candle in memory of my little angel and reflect, shed a few tears and then move on.

I don’t think the anniversary will get better in years to come.  How can you get over losing a child?

I asked Brian today if he knew what yesterday was….He knew….He never knew our anniversary, holidays…but he knew that yesterday marked the 3 yr of our loss. So while we have yet to talk about it, mainly because I can’t do it without crying. I’ve been holding back tears while writing this….but also because he’s unwilling to talk about it at all.  He refers to our loss as when “it” happened to me. *shrugs*

I’m off to cuddle my girls and to try and block out my grief for a bit. Before I do I leave all of you with this…be thankful for the little things..hold those you love close to you. You don’t want to wait until it’s to late.

Above siggy by me

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Justin, Jessica, and Claire came over for a bit today.  Justin was working on the heater core while Jess, and Claire hung out in the house.

Sarah and Claire had a grand time playing with each other. Sarah is like a little Mother Hen around Claire. Patting her on the back, and making sure she’s not doing anything she shouldn’t it’s so cute to watch.

This afternoon they both climbed up on Sarah’s bed and were looking at the window at watching Justin  work on his car.

Two cute little butts

Sarah keeping a watchful eye on the room too.

Claire making sure Grammie is still watching.

I of course took a quick video of the two of them. As soon as I hit record they settled down a bit but it’s still cute to watch them.

 

Tomorrow is the SuperBowl and I’m so excited.  Gonna have a small party with the kids. Justin and Claire are gonna be coming over too.  We are rooting for the Saints! I know they are gonna win. I think it’s gonna be a close game though and should be a really enjoyable game to watch. 

Gonna make our families famous Cream Tacos for dinner.  We don’t make it very often but it’s always a hit.

My step-dad graduated from Cardiac Rehab on Friday. We are so happy that he’s progressed so far. He’s really watching what he eats and exercises for an hour every day.  I’m so proud of him and so blessed that he’s made it through all of this. He still has some mending to do but he’s over the hump so to speak.

Thats all for now…I hope everyone has been having an enjoyable weekend and will enjoy watching the Super Bowl no matter what team you root for, remember it’s just a game and someone has to lose.

Sarah….Owie!

This has been an interesting week.

Monday, I broke my toe. Since then I have jammed it several times a day until yesterday. I’m finally on the mend from that.

Tuesday Liz had to talk to the investigator at school about whats going on with the teacher that was suspended.

Weds night, a cop shows up at my door about 9 at night to take Liz’s statement on things she witnessed or knew.

Thursday, Sarah slipped on the bathroom floor straight out of the bath and cut her chin open on the bottom of the vanity.

Which brings me to today’s blog.  After cleaning up the area and much debate I decided to take her in to the ER. It was a clean straight cut but it looked pretty deep. Every time she would put her head back it spread open pretty wide. So, I got everyone ready and off to the ER we went.

Liz drove because I’m night blind. They took Sarah and I back to a room straight away, while Liz and the girls waited in the waiting room.

The paramedic that was looking at Sarah, taking her vitals and what not was so sweet and gentle with her. When they put the ID bracelet on her she cut up a Barbie sticker and put it on the bracelet to make it look more child friendly. 

When the lady asked Sarah if she got hurt, Sarah pointed to her chin and said “owie”. The lady was like oh she’s sooooooooooooo cute. I just love her hair and her eyes. She was just gushing all over her.

After she left and we were waiting for the doc…We only had to wait about  15 minutes..if that. While waiting I snapped this pic with my cell…it’s a bit blurry but as you can tell Sarah was just chillin in the ER room waiting for the doc.

As soon as the doc walked in. He said oh my gosh…how precious is she? Then he asked me if he could hold her before I even had a chance to answer he had picked her up and sat down with her.  About that time time she got a look of pure panic on her  face and reached out for me.  He handed her to me before she started crying. He  looked at her chin, said that there was a real small piece of fatty tissue but he thought he would still be able to glue it instead of use stitches. He wasn’t positive it would work but he wanted to try that first.

Thank goodness it worked because she was not happy about having to lay down and have the glue done. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if they had done stitches. Sarah  sat up when they were done gluing her child back together, she  ran her hand through her hair and said “phew” but in a deep sighing voice. I thought both the doc and paramedic were gonna die laughing.

The paramedic looked at Sarah and said you’ve been such a good girl you deserve a stuffed animal. So we walked out to where they had a few goodies and  told Sarah she could pick one out.  Sarah just stared at all them. I think she didn’t know what to do. So the paramedic picked out a dalmatian stuffed animal  because it matched Sarah’s  'pj’s.  Sarah told her thank you, then it was time to get our coat on and get out of there.

On our way out the door  both the paramedic and the doctor said bye to Sarah. Sarah looked up said “bye” and started walking a little faster towards the door. It was too cute! They both chuckled at that.

When we got home I snapped a  a pic of Sarah with her new puppy. She just loves her new puppy. What you can’t see is her  pj pants look just like dalmatian spots, and in the front on her shirt is a pic of a dalmatian. So this new “puppy” was perfect. 

If you look close enough at her wrist…the one that her hand is holding the puppy. You can see her little wrist band with the Barbie sticker on it.

So here’s to hoping that tonight and the rest of this weekend is nice, calm, and uneventful!