Memories…..

Yesterday was a strange day emotionally.

It marked the 3 yr anniversary of losing my baby. I did a good job of hiding my grief from my family and friends.  I Tried to stay busy and not dwell on my loss.

Though through out the day I kept flashing back to hearing the words that my baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. Flashing back to the ultrasound we had just 6 weeks before and seeing his little heart beat.

Remembering laboring at home..my water broke then all hell  broke loose and I started hemorrhaging.On the ambulance ride,  I remember my blood pressure dropped so low they couldn’t detect it with the pressure cuff….I was feeling so faint and weak and knowing I needed to just hold on.

Being rushed into a room at St. Lukes and having a doctor already there and waiting for me.  I knew it was serious then. After that I remember nothing as then shot me up with something that blocked out my memory.

When I came too again, there was no more baby and I felt so alone, so numb……

All those memories just come in flashes and I feel the same intense grief that I felt before.

Though I was only in my second trimester to me it’s still my child.  The same as if I carried him full term.

I have a little box with a few momentous, I pull it out and look at it from time to time. I know that he didn’t make it because it wasn’t meant to be.  I also know I wouldn’t have Sarah if I hadn’t lost him.  But I still grieve. This spring I’m going to plant something in memory of him…I should have done this a long time ago but I chose to block it out instead of dealing with the grief.

It’s what I do best. If something is to painful to deal with I block it out and then it comes crashing down on me at a later date.

Today I’m feeling really down and out…the memories are stronger today then yesterday. I just want to lay in bed and have a good cry but I haven't let myself do that.   Maybe tonight, when the house is all settled and I can get some alone time. I’ll be able to light a candle in memory of my little angel and reflect, shed a few tears and then move on.

I don’t think the anniversary will get better in years to come.  How can you get over losing a child?

I asked Brian today if he knew what yesterday was….He knew….He never knew our anniversary, holidays…but he knew that yesterday marked the 3 yr of our loss. So while we have yet to talk about it, mainly because I can’t do it without crying. I’ve been holding back tears while writing this….but also because he’s unwilling to talk about it at all.  He refers to our loss as when “it” happened to me. *shrugs*

I’m off to cuddle my girls and to try and block out my grief for a bit. Before I do I leave all of you with this…be thankful for the little things..hold those you love close to you. You don’t want to wait until it’s to late.

Above siggy by me