Have You Ever?

Have you ever sat down and looked back on your life? Just wondered how it is you got where you are today? Did you imagine that your life at this very minute would be this way?
I’ve recently been doing a lot of serious soul searching. The life changing kind. I don’t think in a million years I would have ever imagined that at 40 I would be unemployed and disabled with a life that was chaotic and full of enough drama I could have a soap opera about my life. 
When I’m home alone late at night or even when the kids are sleeping, my dog will get up and go to the kitchen and bark.  It scares the crap outta me.  What scares me is the unseen, the unknown of what has her attention, that is making her bark.  As I’ve embarked on my new life's journey I realized that fear, just like when she barks is what has been holding me back.  I over think each situation, if I do this, then this and that or that can happen.  Sometimes you just have to take that step into the dark with blind faith that all will right it’s self. 
So with that thought in mind I did that.  I was in an abusive relationship, setting a poor example for my girls. Scared to make that step for fear of the unknown.  By staying I was able to learn to know what to expect and I knew when certain things happened I would just go to that place in my mind where it wasn’t really happening to me.

Serving him with that no contact order was one of the most scariest things in my life.  I knew what he was capable of and I had no idea how he would react. Never in a million years did I expect things to go the way they did.  Things went well, so well in fact that I got worried. That was 5 weeks ago. Fast forward to today. So much can happen in 5 weeks.  It honestly feels more like 6 months to me then 5 short weeks.
Things are coming together for the girls and I. I’m working on getting Sarah into preschool. I’ve got some assistance with food and medical. Have my app in for disability.  Everything I had been afraid of, proved to be nothing more then fear of the unknown. 

Some wonderful things have come from this. I’ve taught my girls to stand up for themselves. They have seen their dad more in the last month then they have in the last two years. They are finally getting to know him and spending some quality time with them.
He is getting the help he so desperately needed and I am so thankful for this.  I know so many of you who have been through this with me think I’m been to kind and I shouldn’t worry about him. But I do and I don’t think I’ve been kind, I just wasn’t going to stoop to that level.  I have children with him, I love him, I will always love him. How could I not when I see so much of him in my girls? I want to see him continue to blossom and become the men I knew he always could be. He was such a tortured soul and to see that darkness slowly ebbing away and being replaced with light does my heart good. 
Yes he did some really horrible things to me. I have a long way to go with forgiveness and learning to let go of the past. But tonight, I’m looking forward, into the unknown where the future isn’t so bleak and dark. In the distance I can see light and I know that in time I will reach that light.
While I realize not everyone in an abusive situation will be as lucky as I’ve been.  I do encourage that if you are going through it then to please seek help. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you in a bad situation.  There are a ton of programs out there to help you. You can start by calling your local hotline

Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224

While I have kept so much of this private and I will continue to keep details private I plan on blogging a bit more about my journey in hopes that maybe through my words I can give hope, and strength to someone out there who is feeling all alone in the world and that no one understands. I can tell you right I was that girl, all alone, felt no one could understand.  

Blessed Be

Long Month

I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like over the last month. There has been a lot going on in my life and I think my brain is on overload.  So hard to make all the thoughts going on in my head stand still long enough to put them down into words. 

I’ve made some life altering decisions, that not only affect me but the lives of my children.  It took me a really long time to finally stand up and say I won’t allow myself to be abused anymore. I won’t allow my children to see the abuse and think that it’s ok to be treated in such a manner.

In doing so I’ve been deemed the bad guy and my abuser the victim. As if I would make up the things he did to me. I’ve been getting help through a support group and I’ve been told that is normal behavior for an abuser. To seek people out, tell them whats going on and to make sure they think he’s the innocent party.  I had hopes that he would finally own up to what he’s done but I really just don’t see that happening.

I didn’t realize how much the abuse had an impact on my children’s lives until about two weeks ago. Sophie just blew up at me and started calling me names. Telling me what a horrible person I was. She sounded exactly like her father. I realized then that if I had any doubts about having done the right thing that showed me I did.  It also made me realize that my girls need more then just seeing the guidance counselor at school. They need a counselor that can work with them to help them process their thoughts.  Not only are they going through the huge changes with their father, they need to learn that the behavior he showed is not acceptable.

I’ve told the girls from the beginning that this is something between their father and myself. That we both love them very much and that they didn’t do anything wrong. 

At the court hearing he admitted to the guilt and apologized to me and my oldest daughter who was there for me as a witness, she’s 19.  However, it seems taking accountability stopped there.  While he has had no problem seeking people out to tell them what a liar I am and how he would never do those things. He can’t seem to retract his statements and own up to what he’s put me through for several years. 

I do ask that if you comment on this to please leave the drama out of it.  I know a lot of you are my friends and have been through this with me but like I’ve told many people. Just because others are being nasty doesn’t mean we need to stoop to their level.  The days of being a victim are in the past. I’m a stronger person then I ever realized and will continue to heal over time.

Uh Oh

There is one thing you should know about me. I HATE to clean.  So when I find a product that promises to make cleaning go a bit faster or maybe  even eliminate a step or two then I’m all for trying it.

Which brings me to this……………

Lysol No Mess Automatic Toilet Bowl cleaner. Now according to the directions I place the clip over the rim of the toilet where there is the most water flow. It was a package of two for under $3 bucks. I’m thinking what a deal…I get two of these, never have to clean the inside of the bowl again…Remember I like it when a product can reduce a step…..So I bought it…….

I came home, and was in a lot of pain so I took a pain pill. Waited for it to kick in. Once it kicked in I very carefully opened the package and pulled out one of the cleaner things. I go to the bathroom, lift up the lid and the seat looked all around the inside of the bowl, now where is the most water going to come out at. So I flushed the toilet……Ahhhhh…found it!!! So while the toilet is flushing I attempt to clip the thing over the rim of the toilet in the perfect spot.

That’s when it happened…it all went down the shitter…pardon the pun. I dropped it into the toilet while it was still flushing. I sit and stare at it for a second while I was thinking what in the heck just happened here. Shit I have to put my hand in there, do I want to put my hand there. Damn it I’ve gotta put my hand in there. Now, that thought process was actually pretty quick. Just as I went to put my bare *shivers* hand into the icy cold depths of the nasty toilet water it got sucked in.  Not my hand, but the cleaner, plastic clip and all.  Down it went. Dang it!!!!! So I put on a couple of rubber gloves and stuck my hand down that little hole as far as I could and didn’t find it. I knew it would clog up the toilet because of that plastic thing. It was just a matter of when. I needed to come up with a game plan.

So in my infinite wisdom I flushed the toilet again, and again, and again.  Ok, well it appeared to be flushing ok, but what is all that stuff coming into the water? It was lime build up, the cleaning stuff was working!!! Ok, so that’s good maybe the water will dissolve it quickly and it will go where ever  it is that those things go.

I left the bathroom bitched about it on facebook, promptly forgot about it and went to bed.  I wake up with Moooooooooooooooooom…………the toilet isn’t flushing right.  I get up and my dear, sweet, loving, daughter had taken her morning constitution and it wasn’t going down.  So now I have to dig again and with crap first thing in the morning. Someone get me a barf bag please!

I get a wire hanger and have my 13yr old untwist it for me, what I didn’t want to break a nail. Give me a break I’m not a plumber here.
So, I take this hanger and stick it over half way in and down that hole. I guess I must of pushed the plastic clip down because I never retrieved it. So it’s been a week now and the toilet is flushing fine but I don’t know for how long………

Word to the wise…don’t clean while on medication.

9/1/2011

Today was a pretty productive day. It’s hard to believe it’s already almost 11pm.  Funny how fast the day goes even when I get up at 5:30. Though  I did get a two hour nap in.

I talked so much today I actually lost my voice for a bit. I don’t think that’s every happened before. Just goes to show I don’t talk that much anymore.

Today was ungodly hot out. Poor kids in that school with only a fan. With the heat index it was 100F. They did let the school out at 1 though so that helped a little.

  Emma checked the mail this afternoon and when she came back in she said that it was so hot out she started sweating just walking to the mailbox.  Now that’s HOT!

Today at dinner time Sarah knocked over her glass of juice. It was one of those moments where you are so surprised that all you can do is stare with an open mouth. The juice dripped right into Liz’s shoe. (her shoe shouldn’t of been there but that’s besides the point) Instead of rushing to clean it up we all just stood there, transfixed as it fell inside the shoe. After ALL the juice spilled we all kind of looked at each other and giggled for a bit. Sarah looks at me and said “opps, I spilled my juice, sorry” That got a few more giggles.  We have to take pleasure in lifes little moments even if they are at Liz’s expense.

Tomorrow is already Friday with a 3 day weekend before us.  This week has flown by. 

It’s time for me to hit the hay 5:30 will be here before I know it.