Long Month

I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like over the last month. There has been a lot going on in my life and I think my brain is on overload.  So hard to make all the thoughts going on in my head stand still long enough to put them down into words. 

I’ve made some life altering decisions, that not only affect me but the lives of my children.  It took me a really long time to finally stand up and say I won’t allow myself to be abused anymore. I won’t allow my children to see the abuse and think that it’s ok to be treated in such a manner.

In doing so I’ve been deemed the bad guy and my abuser the victim. As if I would make up the things he did to me. I’ve been getting help through a support group and I’ve been told that is normal behavior for an abuser. To seek people out, tell them whats going on and to make sure they think he’s the innocent party.  I had hopes that he would finally own up to what he’s done but I really just don’t see that happening.

I didn’t realize how much the abuse had an impact on my children’s lives until about two weeks ago. Sophie just blew up at me and started calling me names. Telling me what a horrible person I was. She sounded exactly like her father. I realized then that if I had any doubts about having done the right thing that showed me I did.  It also made me realize that my girls need more then just seeing the guidance counselor at school. They need a counselor that can work with them to help them process their thoughts.  Not only are they going through the huge changes with their father, they need to learn that the behavior he showed is not acceptable.

I’ve told the girls from the beginning that this is something between their father and myself. That we both love them very much and that they didn’t do anything wrong. 

At the court hearing he admitted to the guilt and apologized to me and my oldest daughter who was there for me as a witness, she’s 19.  However, it seems taking accountability stopped there.  While he has had no problem seeking people out to tell them what a liar I am and how he would never do those things. He can’t seem to retract his statements and own up to what he’s put me through for several years. 

I do ask that if you comment on this to please leave the drama out of it.  I know a lot of you are my friends and have been through this with me but like I’ve told many people. Just because others are being nasty doesn’t mean we need to stoop to their level.  The days of being a victim are in the past. I’m a stronger person then I ever realized and will continue to heal over time.