Have You Ever?

Have you ever sat down and looked back on your life? Just wondered how it is you got where you are today? Did you imagine that your life at this very minute would be this way?
I’ve recently been doing a lot of serious soul searching. The life changing kind. I don’t think in a million years I would have ever imagined that at 40 I would be unemployed and disabled with a life that was chaotic and full of enough drama I could have a soap opera about my life. 
When I’m home alone late at night or even when the kids are sleeping, my dog will get up and go to the kitchen and bark.  It scares the crap outta me.  What scares me is the unseen, the unknown of what has her attention, that is making her bark.  As I’ve embarked on my new life's journey I realized that fear, just like when she barks is what has been holding me back.  I over think each situation, if I do this, then this and that or that can happen.  Sometimes you just have to take that step into the dark with blind faith that all will right it’s self. 
So with that thought in mind I did that.  I was in an abusive relationship, setting a poor example for my girls. Scared to make that step for fear of the unknown.  By staying I was able to learn to know what to expect and I knew when certain things happened I would just go to that place in my mind where it wasn’t really happening to me.

Serving him with that no contact order was one of the most scariest things in my life.  I knew what he was capable of and I had no idea how he would react. Never in a million years did I expect things to go the way they did.  Things went well, so well in fact that I got worried. That was 5 weeks ago. Fast forward to today. So much can happen in 5 weeks.  It honestly feels more like 6 months to me then 5 short weeks.
Things are coming together for the girls and I. I’m working on getting Sarah into preschool. I’ve got some assistance with food and medical. Have my app in for disability.  Everything I had been afraid of, proved to be nothing more then fear of the unknown. 

Some wonderful things have come from this. I’ve taught my girls to stand up for themselves. They have seen their dad more in the last month then they have in the last two years. They are finally getting to know him and spending some quality time with them.
He is getting the help he so desperately needed and I am so thankful for this.  I know so many of you who have been through this with me think I’m been to kind and I shouldn’t worry about him. But I do and I don’t think I’ve been kind, I just wasn’t going to stoop to that level.  I have children with him, I love him, I will always love him. How could I not when I see so much of him in my girls? I want to see him continue to blossom and become the men I knew he always could be. He was such a tortured soul and to see that darkness slowly ebbing away and being replaced with light does my heart good. 
Yes he did some really horrible things to me. I have a long way to go with forgiveness and learning to let go of the past. But tonight, I’m looking forward, into the unknown where the future isn’t so bleak and dark. In the distance I can see light and I know that in time I will reach that light.
While I realize not everyone in an abusive situation will be as lucky as I’ve been.  I do encourage that if you are going through it then to please seek help. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you in a bad situation.  There are a ton of programs out there to help you. You can start by calling your local hotline

Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
TDD 1-800-787-3224

While I have kept so much of this private and I will continue to keep details private I plan on blogging a bit more about my journey in hopes that maybe through my words I can give hope, and strength to someone out there who is feeling all alone in the world and that no one understands. I can tell you right I was that girl, all alone, felt no one could understand.  

Blessed Be